Alone
by JerichoSteele
Summary: Ziva's actions have consequences. Tag to episode "Double Blind" 10 x 23.
1. Chapter 1

**After what Ziva did to Tony on last night's episode, I had to write this.**

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_"I was alone."_

Those three words had cut Tony down to his soul. She had said them in the charred remains of the research office and his heart had shattered into a million tiny shards. After all he had been through for her, all he had sacrificed for her, and all he was willing to still do ... she had felt alone and ended up in some other man's bed. As he watched her interrogation by Parsons, he was at first angry about the way the smug investigator was treating his partner, but at the revelation about Adam ... Tony's world had come to an end.

Now, standing just a few feet from her, he watched in shocked silence as Gibbs was led away by Parsons and his goons. He hadn't been able to formulate a coherent thought since they left the scene of the fire and he was still speechless.

Gibbs walked between the larger of the two federal agents as they headed toward the elevators, his face one of fierce determination and annoyance. Looking back at his team, he gave them his signature smirk, and then he nodded to Tony. "Dinozzo, take care of them until I get back."

Tony didn't even have to think about how to respond, he gave his usual programmed response.

"You got it Boss."

As the elevator doors closed and their leader disappeared from sight, a grim silence filled the room. Every eye fixed on Tony as he stood stone-like just in front of Gibbs' desk. Without a word, Tony took long strides over to the elevator, pressed the down button and waited for it to arrive.

"Where are you going?" McGee shouted to Tony's back.

Without turning around, Tony answered, "I'll be in the Lab, somebody's got to tell Abby."

When the silver doors opened, Tony quickly stepped inside and pressed the button to take him to the lower levels of the federal building. Just before the door closed, a familiar female hand shot in. The door bumpers activated and opened once more. Before he could protest, Ziva stepped in with him.

She stood beside Tony, just in front of the control panel. Ziva tapped the same key Tony had, and the doors closed once more. She glanced to her right and saw that he was staring up at the lighted numbers just above the closed doors. He wasn't even blinking.

Realizing that he wasn't going to acknowledge her presence, Ziva quickly reached out and flipped the 'Stop' switch and the elevator stopped. Taking a deep breath, she started talking, staring down at the floor.

"Tony?" she whispered.

No response.

This time she looked up at him, he was still focused on the little numbers. She couldn't even tell if he was breathing.

"Tony?"

Still nothing.

"Are you not even going to talk to me?"

She was met with more silence. Now she was getting angry. "Look, what happened to the 'new us'? The us that shares what's going on instead of hiding in silence?" Ziva thought back to the conversation she and Tony had in the elevator that had been destroyed in the bombing. How she wished she could go back to that moment and say so much more.

She heard him take a breath, hoping it meant he was going to speak. She soon regretted it.

"It doesn't seem to matter what I say or do, you never believe me anyway."

No it was her turn to feel broken.

"Tony ... I ... I'm so ... I'm so _sorry_..." She was on the verge of tears and he still hadn't looked at her. He stood right beside her but she and never felt so far away from her best friend. She should have called him from Israel when she felt alone, he would have made her laugh; when she felt weak, he would have flown to her as fast as he could, but what had she done? Fallen into bed with a man who just happened to be there. _Best friend? Yeah, right. _

She looked up into his eyes that had always looked at her with understanding and compassion, but now they were cold, like he was a stranger. _Dear God! What have I done?_

Ziva moved around to stand directly in front of him, his eyes still hadn't moved.

"Tony ... _please_ ..."

Tony took another deep breath and lowered his eyes to hers. But when her gaze met his, she saw nothing of the man who had been her rock for so many years. The Tony that had risked his life to rescue her from Somalia, who had her back in Berlin, and who had saved her time and time again ... wasn't there. His lips moved and his words came out gruff and dismissive.

"I've got to talk to Abbs."

Her heart accelerated when his left arm moved toward her, hoping his was going to pull her into his warm embrace. Ziva's heart clenched when he reached past her and flipped the 'Stop' switch back to 'Run' and the elevator began its descent once more. Then his eyes flicked back up to the lighted numbers, watching them count down slowly.

Ziva wanted to say a million things to try and make him understand why she had done what she did. But every word died on her lips before she could say them. And really, what could she say? How could she repair the chasm that had opened between them. All the excuses sounded acceptable in her head but when she tried to speak the words, she knew they were meaningless. It was pointless. She had hurt him too deply this time for mere words, he wasn't listening anyway. She knew what she had to do.

But the universe conspired against her. Just as she reached to grab his arm and pull him down into an earth-shattering kiss, the elevator stopped and the doors slid open. Momentarily distracted, Ziva felt Tony begin to move past her. She grasped his bicep but he forcefully yanked his arm free and stormed through the opening.

Ziva's mind told her to follow him, but her legs and feet were frozen in place. She wanted to reach out to him and pull him into her arms, but they remained limp at her sides. As the doors closed in front of her, she felt her world crumble beneath her.

Just before the door closed, a familiar male hand shot in. The door bumpers activated and opened once more. Tony stood right in front of Ziva and her skin flushed hot as hope sprung in her soul. But the cold look she received dashed that hope in to nothing.

"When Gibbs is finished with Parsons," Tony's teeth clenched as he spoke. "When we are done with this 'witch-hunt', I'm going to ask that one of us be transferred off the team."

Ziva's heart stopped its frantic thumping in her chest and grew cold at his words.

"I can't do this anymore. You don't trust me, you don't believe in me, and I can't work with you anymore." Tony spun around letting the doors close softly behind him.

Ziva watched the man she had betrayed yet again, walk briskly away from her and she knew in her soul he wouldn't be coming back to her. She had seen the conviction in his eyes, he wasn't lying, he wasn't trying to get a rise out of her ... he was done.

The doors closed in front of her, Ziva backed into the rear wall of the elevator. Her legs gave out and she sank to the tiled floor, tears streaming down her face. She let her head fall to her knees, her cries turned into sobs and her sobs became uncontrollable gasps as her world fell into an abyss.

Broken.

Devastated.

This time, when those three words came into her mind, they weren't an excuse or stupid reason for her actions. They were true.

She was alone.

Alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**To all the reviewers for this story - Thank you! Most of you liked it and a few didn't, but we all see things differently and that's a good thing ... keeps us human.**

**I hadn't planned on "Alone" being more than a one-shot; to release of my frustration with Ziva and another of her betrayals of Tony, but after all the prompts to have more of this story, I submit another chapter for your enjoyment.**

**I don't know if I can 'fix' the partnership/relationship, that may not be possible in my story's world, but I will give it a shot, so please, be patient. I am a Tiva shipper, or at least I was until the last episode but maybe there's still light at the end of the tunnel.**

**...**

**...**

**...**

* * *

**Broken**

_"At lo levad"_

_"You are not alone."_

Those words haunted Tony as he plodded down the hallway to Abby's lab. The devastated expression on Ziva's tear- stained face imprinted in his mind and the words he had said to her ringing in his ears.

_"I can't do this anymore. You don't trust me, you don't believe in me, and I can't work with you anymore."_

He was furious. No, he was way beyond furious. He was in that dark place where if he didn't find a way to relieve the pressure, he might do something really stupid ... like punch that smug-ass Parsons so hard his kids would wake up dizzy. On top of the case, the Parson Posse showing up, Gibbs getting arrested, Vance under the microscope, and now the revelation that what had been going on between him and Ziva was probably gone, Tony was ready to explode.

Tony could hear the loud music pounding down the hall from the lab. He had never appreciated ear plugs until he had met Abigal Sciuto and her taste in music, but now, they both brought a sense of normalcy into what had been a day in hell for him. He really needed to clear his head, get some perspective on the situation. _What if Gibbs doesn't come back? What if Parsons gets what he wants and destroys the team? _And that thought struck his as sadly funny. _Team ... what team? _he thought bitterly. He had just told Ziva that he couldn't work with her any more, that one of them was leaving the team.

Wow.

_Shit._

He had really said that ... to the woman that he loved ... well, thought he loved. His heart was pounding in his chest, full of pain, betrayal, and Ziva just wanted to talk about _her_ pain and _her_ weakness. Stopping just beside the doors to Abby's lab, Tony leaned forward, placing his hands firmly on the wall and let it all out in one long bellow.

"Aaaaaaarrrrgghhhhh!"

He knew Abby wouldn't hear him, her music was too loud. His head pounded at the exertion, his temples throbbed and his knees felt weak. When he felt the sting of tears in his eyes, he felt the urge to fight them, to fall back behind his walls to protect his heart. But it was too much and the tears began to fall unhindered down his face and fall onto his shirt. His choked sobs drowned out everything around him so much that he didn't notice when the music stopped.

That's where Abby found him. McGee had sent a frantic text message that Tony was on his way down to see her and he wasn't in the best state of mind. She didn't know what was going on, she only knew that Parsons the Creep, as she called him, was still hanging around and that Ziva and Tony had acted weird toward each all day long. She had finished up her latest round of tests and walked out into the hall to look for Tony.

When she saw him leaning against the wall, she had, at first, thought he was hurt or injured. The way his body seemed so tense yet it was shaking with each breath he took. When she got closer, she heard the choking sobs and knew he was hurt, but not physically. She walked up beside him and when she placed her hand softly on his shoulder, he turned to her and she saw something she thought she would never see in her life ... a completely broken Tony Dinozzo.

'Tony?"

Tony pushed himself away from the wall, quickly wiping his tear-stained cheeks with the back of his hands. "Hey, Abbs...whatcya doing?"

Abby left her hand on her friend's shoulder but gave him her patented you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me look. The pain in his red rimmed eyes caused her frustration to melt and she pulled him into her arms, giving him a soft tender hug. She felt his head fall to her shoulder and his hands wrap around her back. The gentle squeeze of his arms warmed her heart as she tired to think of a way to comfort him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Abby had no idea what 'it' was, but she didn't care, her friend needed her and she would do anything for Tony. She felt him shake his head against her neck and she knew he would try to shield himself as he usually did.

"You can't back away, not this time Tony. I won't let you." He tensed a little in her arms but she wasn't backing down. "Come on buddy, talk to me."

Tony didn't know what to do. It was true, he needed to talk to someone about ... well, about everything ... Gibbs, Parsons, Vance, and ... _Ziva_. He just didn't think he could do it now. It just felt good to have Abby holding him. His world was upside down and he needed a friend, something solid to ground him. Exhaustion gripped him suddenly and he relaxed more into Abby until she was basically holding him upright.

"Come on, let's talk." And she was half leading, half dragging him across the lab to her little office. She turned him around and plopped him down into her chair.

"Ppphffffffttttttt..." The rude sound filled the room; Abby had forgotten where she left Bert the Farting Hippo. Tony's tear filled eyes locked with hers and then suddenly they both laughed out loud until they couldn't breathe. He pulled the squished Bert out from under him and set him gently on Abby's desk. Their laughter faded slowly and they felt the mood lighten a small bit. Abby hopped up on her desk, her legs brushing up against Tony's.

For a few moments, the room was silent except fo the cooling fans of the computers. Knowing she would have to start the conversation, Abby nudged Tony with her knee. "So, what's going on Tony?"

He took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. Abby knew this was how he gathered his thoughts so she waited patiently for him to start. "Parsons wasn't here for Ziva or Vance ... he was after Gibbs."

Tony let a frustrated sigh, he should have decked Parsons in the elevator when he had the chance.

"He showed up with a little _posse ... _they took Gibbs into custody."

She felt her heart sink at the news. If Parsons had walked into the lab at that particular moment, he would have discovered just how dangerous one very pissed-off forensic goth girl could be. Abby didn't speak, she just nodded her head in acknowledgement. Gibbs was like a father to her and she ached at the thought of what this could mean to her and the team.

"But that's not the only reason you're so upset, is it?"

Tony's head dropped and he pursed his lips. "Nope."

Abby cocked her head so she could better see Tony's face. "Is it about Ziva?" Tony took in a ragged breath and Abby had her answer. She looked down at her knees that poked out from her plaid skirt, her legs suddenly very fascinating. They started swinging back and forth, making the desk shake slightly. Thoughts of what could have happened to damage the closeness of the two partners was not something Abby was sure she wanted to discuss, but the damaged look in Tony's eyes told her she had too.

"So what happened?"

Tony just stared silently at Bert, who sat smiling back at him with his black plastic eyes.

Abby waited a moment, and then pushed her friend a little more. "Come on ... this," and she gestured to him, "This is not Tony, not _my_ Tony."

When she said _'My Tony'_, he felt the tears forming again. He brought his arm up and dropped his elbow on the desk. Leaning forward, he rested his head in his hand and began to massage his throbbing forehead. Tony took a deep shaky breath, not wanting to do this but knowing he needed to.

So he told her. He told her about Parsons' interrogation of Ziva, about Ziva getting angry, and about ... _Adam_. He could barely say the man's name without losing it once again. He had his eyes closed as he talked to her, fearing that if he looked at her, he would crumble once more. He told her about saying good-bye to Ziva when she left to bury her father in Israel. When he told her what he had whispered into Ziva's ear as he held her, he heard Abby take a sharp breath and her legs stopped swinging. The more he talked, the harder his hand rubbed his forehead until it actually started to ache. When he finished, he was almost panting, his anger fighting to rise again.

Abby felt her own tears drifting down her cheeks when Tony stopped. She was stunned and her spirit ached ... for Tony _and_ Ziva. _This can't be happening .. they were so close ... so close. _She had watched as over the past few months, her two friends were headed toward something more than just 'Partners' ... more than 'Friends'. This couldn't be happening, they were supposed to be growing closer to each other, not tearing each other apart. They are Tony and Ziva ... yin and yang ... Bert and Ernie ... different sides of the same coin.

They were ... _broken_.

_Crap._

_At lo levad._


	3. Chapter 3

**You guys are awesome! I have been totally blown away by the response to this story. I hadn't planned on this story taking off like this but I will stay with it as long as I can.**

**Some of the reviews have been a little harsh, but I am trying to show both sides of the story (and yes, there are always at least two sides to every story).**

**I love both Tony and Ziva (and the idea of Tiva really happening) but I also know that sometimes people reach the end of what they can take. Sometimes they hurt the very ones they love, and there isn't always a happy ending.**

**So, here is the next chapter about the wonderful characters that sadly, still do not belong to me.**

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**Lost**

Ducky passed through the doors leading into the morgue, a stack of manilla folders in his hands. He stopped in front of the silver elevator doors and pressed the 'up' button. The completed autopsy reports from the past week were ready for the director's signature and if he hurried, he could get out of there on time for once.

He glanced down at his watch and counted the seconds as he waited for the doors to open. A soft chime alerted him that the lift had arrived, but when the doors opened, the sight before him took his breath away.

Seated against the back wall was Ziva, but he had never seen her like this. Even her father's death had not reduced her to the fragile shell he saw before him. She was staring straight ahead and her hair was a mess. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were wet with tears that dripped to her blouse. When she didn't look up at him, Ducky thought she probably didn't even realize he was there.

"Ziva dear, are you alright?"

When she failed to answer or acknowledge his presence in any way, Ducky reached in and stopped the doors from closing. He propped a foot on the door's edge and leaned forward until he could reach out and touch her lightly on the shoulder.

"Ziva?"

She looked up at him and the look of utter devastation in her eyes made Ducky's heart ache for the young woman. Gently grasping her forearm, he tugged her to her feet and led her back into the quite autopsy room. She followed along beside him, her feet shuffling along on the floor.

When they reached his desk, he spun her around and eased her into his chair. He pulled one of the rolling stools over in front of her and passed her a kleenex from the box on the desk. She dabbed at her eyes, her movements stilted, as if her entire body hurt.

Seconds turned into minutes, yet no more words were spoken. Ducky waited patiently for her to regain her composure, knowing that whatever this situation was, it would need a gentle hand. He watched as she bit at her lower lip, on of her 'tells' that her mind was trying to come up with the words to explain her current condition. Unfortunately, she had no idea how to explain this.

Taking a shaky breath, her first words were so soft he almost didn't hear them. "I ... Tony, he was ... he doesn't want to ... " and she closed her eyes in frustration with her inability to formulate a coherent sentence.

Ducky reached over and patted her leg in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. "It's okay my dear, just start at the beginning and work your way through it."

Ziva looked over at the older gentleman seated just in front of her and was grateful that he was the one who had found her. She wasn't ready to talk to anyone, but if she had to run into someone, at least it was Ducky. Even though her heart was broken, she knew that he would only give her words of wisdom and compassion. She smiled slightly and that little action caused his eyes to light up and twinkle back at her.

"There you are, I was wondering when you would make an appearance." His smile was infectious and comforting, giving her the strength she need to say the words that still burned in her soul.

"Tony says he doesn't want to work with me anymore ... he ... he doesn't think I believe in him."

Ducky's eyebrows shot up in surprise but his words came out soft and filled with concern. 'What made him say such a thing Ziva?"

Oh how she hoped he wouldn't have asked her that question. Her mind went crazy tying to find a way out of having to relive that horrible conversation in the elevator. Just remembering those words caused fresh tears to fall.

_"It doesn't seem to matter what I say or do, you never believe me anyway." _

And then the one that had sealed their fate.

_"I can't do this anymore. You don't trust me, you don't believe in me, and I can't work with you anymore."_

Ducky sat patiently as Ziva began to relate the events of the past few months that had culminated in her sitting before him, lost and broken. Ziva wiped her eyes from time to time, the kleenex clenched tightly in her shaking hand. She hadn't cried like this since ... since ... her father's death. Even in Israel during the ceremony to lay Eli David to rest, she hadn't been this emotional. It was only later, when she was at her aunt's house, that she broke down.

That is where Adam had found her, and he had been the one to comfort her.

They had been friends for years, catching up when they crossed paths ... good friends and nothing more ... until the evening after her father's funeral when she was so lost and alone. They were sharing a glass of wine when the memories and regrets became too much. He had pulled her into his arms, her head on his shoulder as she cried out her pain and loss. His hands had stroked her back, trying to calm her if only a bit. She had felt his lips kiss the top of her head and she had looked up into his caring eyes. Before it registered what she was doing, she had covered his lips with hers in a hungry, desperate kiss. The comfort she found in his touch and warmth overwhelmed her senses and soon they were tugging clothing from each other and stumbling to her bed. Their lovemaking was frantic and intense ... her need for physical contact and release more than she could hold back.

The morning after, as she awoke in Adam's arms, guilt quickly flooding her heart. _How could she have done this?_ It wasn't fair to Adam to use him like this ... and , _dear God!_ what about Tony? _No, no, no, no!_ She had rolled away from Adam as if touching him burned her skin when just hours earlier she had held him like her life depended on it. As she quickly covered her nakedness, her shame clear on her face, she had explained to Adam that it had been a mistake, a moment of indiscretion ... of weakness. The hurt on his face was clear but he seemed to understand and they had parted as friends, Ziva secretly vowing to never do something so stupid.

And then that damned Parsons and his badgering her with those questions. When he had thrown the photo of Adam on the table, her heart had sunk to her stomach. _Oh God ... no! _She suspected that Tony may have been in the observation room and when he stormed in and thundered that the interview was over two seconds ago ... she knew ... _he knew_ ... that whatever was building between them, the looks, the touches, the feelings ... had been damaged and maybe even destroyed.

When she got to the part about their conversation in the elevator, her voice was so frail, that she had to stop occasionally to compose herself. Ducky just sat there, gently patting her hand to encourage her to continue or uttering words of sympathy and compassion.

_"I can't work with you anymore."_

When he heard those words, Ducky grimaced at the deep pain both of his friends were now experiencing ... Ziva in her guilt and her shame; Tony in his anger and his frustration. He shook his head softly as Ziva's words failed her once more, only to be replaced by fresh tears and sobs.

"What have I done Ducky?" The words choked with pain and devastation. "Oh God ... _what have I done_?"

Ducky reached up and wiped away a few of his own tears, his heart aching for the woman before him. He had navigated the seas of love many times himself and he knew it was always fraught with the danger of one wrong move that could do damage that couldn't be repaired. He hoped that this wasn't the case this time.

He had watched over the years of their partnership; from the first days of mutual mistrust and suspicion, to times when they could communicate without speaking. They were so different, and yet, they fit together almost effortlessly, like they were meant to be together. But he also knew that if one was hurt deeply enough, if the betrayal came at precisely the wrong moment, the damage could be too much for them to overcome.

"Ziva, I'm sure that this will work itself out, in its own time."

Ziva contemplated those words before she spoke. "Will he forgive me?"

Ducky was tempted to immediately affirm the thought that this would all blow over and everything would be fine. Sadly, he didn't want to fill Ziva's head with false hopes that were not based in the reality of the situation. "I ... I don't know Ziva. I just don't know."

When her head dropped to her chest, Ducky leaned forward and placed a reassuring hand over hers. "I know those are not the words you want or need to hear, but I will not patronize you will false words." He let that sink in before he went on. I do not know what will happen in regards to this situation with you and Tony, matters of the heart are seldom easy to navigate."

Ziva nodded slowly in agreement, her heart aching all the more. She took little comfort in her friend's words, she just couldn't believe the mess that her world had become so quickly. One weak moment, one stupid mistake, and now she was losing the man she trusted more than anyone else on the planet. He didn't want to work with her anymore, he didn't want to continue building on what they had, and she had no idea if she could fix it.

Ducky tapped the back of her hand lightly with his fingers. "I do know this ... Tony has never held a grudge for long. He is hurt and angry and he may have said some things he didn't really mean, but I think you may be surprised at how forgiving he can be."

"I don't think so Ducky ... not this time." Her words were devoid of any feeling and sounded hallow.

Ducky leaned back in his chair. "Answer me this, Ziva. When you, Tony, and Gibbs were in Israel together, what were you feelings for Tony then?"

Ziva couldn't believe that Ducky had brought up that long ago moment. Wasn't she hurting enough as it was? "I'm not sure I understand?"

"After Tony killed Rifkin and he had to go to Israel to speak to your father," Ducky tried to tread softly on that sensitive subject but knew he had to make her see something. "What were you feeling when you confronted Tony?"

Ziva fought back the urge to jump up and run from the room. She couldn't understand where Ducky was heading with this, but deep in her heart, she knew he was trying to help.

"I hated him ... I ...I wanted him dead." Her mind went back to the courtyard at Mossad headquarters were she had finally come face to face with Tony. Her anger had blossomed into absolute rage. He had killed her lover, Michael, and no matter what he had said about it being self-defense, she had been overcome with vengeance. tony had been weakened by his injuries but that hadn't stopped her. She flung him to the concrete, happy when he grunted in pain. Then she was hovering over him, her gun digging into his bruised ribs, making him squirm. Her finger tightened on the trigger, and she had been so close to pulling it.

When Tony had said _"You loved him"_, the spell was broken. She had seen the regret etched in his eyes, regret that he had caused her pain, even regretting that he was alive while Michael had died. Ziva had been heartsick at that, but too proud to acknowledge it at that moment. With unspoken words, Tony had let her know that he would have gladly died in Michael's place, if it had spared her the pain she was in.

Fresh tears welled in her eyes at that dark time in their partnership. All the lies and mistrust had all been because of her misplaced loyalty to her father and Mossad, who both left her to rot in that hell hole in Somalia. She had waited to die there until the day the sack was yanked off her head and there he was. Her Tony had come for her, after all she had done to him, he was still there.

Ziva felt something in her heart that hadn't been there a moment earlier. Hope.

Ducky saw the shift in her lips as they almost smiled for a second. Confident that she was heading in a good direction, he pressed a little more.

"And just a few months after you wanted him dead for killing Rifkin, how did you feel?"

She couldn't hide her smile any longer. "Tony came and saved me ... after all that I put him through, he said he couldn't live without me." Ziva took a deep breath and slowly let it out again. "He became my best friend, I would do anything for him."

"See, when two people care so deeply for each other, they can overcome almost anything."

Ziva's heart was thumping in her chest, her mind wondering, trying to grasp at the mist of hope that Tony and her would be okay after all was said and done. She didn't know here they were headed after this latest fiasco, they seemed to always be at the opposite side of the other. When one pulled, the other pushed, back and forth until they were no further ahead than when they started.

Sadly, she began to wonder if this was really the end of whatever they were becoming. What if Tony had finally had enough? What if he really was done with her? With their partnership? With their _relationship_.

She looked up at Ducky, her eyes pleading with his for more words of encouragement. "Ducky?'

"Yes my dear?"

Ziva swallowed the lump in her throat.

"What if Tony can't forgive me this time? What if he really is finished?"

Sadly, Ducky lowered his eyes to her clenched hands. "I really don't know Ziva. I guess that will be up to him."

And once again, Ziva felt her world crumble around her.


	4. Chapter 4

**T****orn**

**...**

Abby stopped crossing and re-crossing her legs. "So what are you going to do about it?"

Tony tried to keep a grip on his anger, but his nerves were coming apart. "I told her that I couldn't work with her anymore, that when this is all over ... one of us would be leaving the team."

Abby jumped up off the desk and swatted him hard on the back of his head in a perfect copy of the 'Gibbs Head Slap'.

"Hey! What the hell was that for?"

Abby shot him a glare that made him ease the chair back a few inches. She began to pace back and forth right beside the chair.

"That's for being an ass you idiot!" She was furious now ... furious at both of them. _How can two grown people be so damned stubborn! _If Ziva had been there, she would have gotten a good old head slap too. "What were you thinking Tony?" her hands flying around as she tried to control her own anger.

Tony was still rubbing the back of his head. "Hey, I thought you'd be on my side!"

"Your _side_!" she roared. "How can I be on your side?!"

Tony jumped up from the chair and closed the distance between them. "I'm not the one that keeps screwing this up! I can't take this anymore Abbs! I'm done!" and he went to push past her until she grabbed both of his arms in hers and spun him around until they were face to face.

"No, you're not stomping out of her like a three-year-old."

Tony thought about jerking away from her, but even as angry as he was, he couldn't hurt Abby, not in a million years. He dropped his head to his chest and the tears started to flow again.

"Then what am I supposed to do Abbs...what am I supposed to do?" he choked out.

Seeing her friend begin to fracture right in front of her, Abby gently shook his arms. "Hey, come on Tony ... you know what to do, you're just to hurt to think about it."

Shaking his head like a child, Tony disagreed. "No Abbs, I really have no idea what to do ... or even what I want to do."

"Yes you do."

"No, I really don't."

"Tony."

"Abbs."

Letting out an exasperated sigh, Abby let her hands fall to his. She intertwined their fingers and squeezed until he looked up at her. Her voice was soft and full of affection. "Tony ... you are one of my best friends and I love you." She felt him squeezing back so she knew he was listening. "But you are just as stubborn as Ziva sometimes." Before he could make an argument, she continued. "You need to be strong Tony, stronger than you've ever been."

Hearing the honesty and sincerity in her words, Tony listened not with just his ears, but with his heart. His head was spinning and he felt like his legs would give way at any moment. "I just don't know if I have any strength left Abbs ... I don't know if I can keep this up."

"Anthony Dinozzo, you are the strongest person I know ... besides Gibbs, because he has the 'old Marine' thing going and he's older and done more and he's a sniper whose fought in war but he's been married three times ..." she was on one of her never-ending rants.

Tony squeezed her hands, bringing her back to focus on the task at hand. "Abbs ..."

"Ah sorry ... Tony, I got carried away." She took a deep breath and cleared her throat. "So, as I was saying, you are strong and you can get through this."

"But I don't know if I want to."

Abby held his hands firmly in hers, she wasn't letting go and she wasn't backing down. "Why do you want to end your partnership with Ziva?"

The look he shot her said you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me-Abbs. When she didn't let go of his hands, he said, "Abbs, I just think it would best if we had some space ... try and get some perspective."

"Are you sure you are not running away?"

Tony shrugged his shoulders lightly, his eyes falling to the floor. "Maybe I am ... maybe I need to. I can't seem to focus anymore, I mean, I was about to beat the crap out of Parsons in the elevator yesterday." _W__hen y__ou poke a bear with a stick, don't act surprised when you get bit. _He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I just don't want to do this anymore."

Abby tenderly squeezed his fingers with hers. "Tony, I know this isn't easy but you have to decide what you want ... with Ziva ... with the team. You have to decide what you want."

Tony looked back up at her and a small smile crept to his face. "A few days ago and I thought I knew what that was ... now, I'm not so sure."

"Tell me."

Tony closed his eyes and wrangled in his off kilter emotions. If anyone could help him with the storm that was ragging inside his head, it was Abby. "Look, I thought Ziva and I were on the same page. I'm not sure where we were going but I was pretty sure that we at least were being honest with each other." Tony's thought about Ziva, but when he did, he only saw her wrapped in Adam's arms and they were ... he shook his head to get rid of that ugly mental picture. That was a bad place to go ... it just hurt too much.

"After she came back from Israel, she seemed like she was keeping something from me. I put it off to her father's death and all the stuff she had to do when she was away ..." and the ugly picture popped back into his head. He felt the rage start to build again in his chest and he had to exhale and mentally expel it before it overcame him again.

"We had a good time in Berlin, I thought we were finally moving forward in whatever this thing is ... I ... I thought that she might ... well..."

Abby stepped in when she saw him begin to falter. "You thought that maybe there was going to be more?"

_"Yes."_

The deep sadness in that one word, caused her heart plumment in her chest. Abby had watched her friends dance around the ever deepening feelings between them and now she was watching them seemingly slip away. She looked up at him and she saw all the hurt and betrayal in his eyes.

"I thought that I could finally trust another woman with my heart. I thought that maybe Ziva was the one ... but her actions only show me what a fool I've been." Tony hands were actually shaking now, his emotional control slipping through his fingers. "I watched my dad jump from woman to woman ... always searching for something else ... more than what he had."

Tony reached up and wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand, he hadn't realized he was crying. "He ran out on my mom for some twenty-something blonde, he ran out on the blonde for a leggy redhead, and he ran out on her for some dark hair swimsuit model. He never stuck to his commitments, none of them."

"I want more than that Abbs, I'm tired of playing games. I quit playing the field after Jean, I went on dates but the last real relationship I had was with EJ and there hasn't been anyone since her. Ziva and I ... well, I don't know what we are really. I didn't expect to feel this way ... Ziva is my partner, my friend."

Abby could only state the obvious. "You love her." When he didn't respond, she pressed some more. "Tony, you love her don't you?"

Tony's entire body went rigid and she felt him start to pull away from her.

"No Tony, you answer me!"

"Abbs ..."

"Do you love her?"

Silence and tears were her only answer.

Softly, tenderly, Abby gripped his hands a little tighter. "Do. You. Love. Her?"

Feebly, as if all the strength had left him, he answered. "Yes. God help me, but I think I do."

They looked at each other. Abby was almost bursting with happiness for her friends, but Tony's expression was not what she was expecting. there was no happiness there, just sadness and loss. He gripped her hands as if he was trying to draw some strength, some balance from her.

"I ... I ... I just don't think that's enough any more."

"Oh Tony." Abby reached up placing her hand on the back of Tony's neck, gently pulling him down until his forehead rested on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

His head jerked back up. "What do you have to be sorry for Abs?"

"I'm sorry that you are hurting, both of you."

Tony dropped his head back to Abby, his hands wrapping around her waist. "Thanks Abs, you are the best."

With a huge smile on her face, she wrapped both hands around his shoulders, pulling him in tighter. "I know."

Tony laughed softly into her hair, just thankful that he had a friend who wouldn't judge or criticize him. He leaned back a little, pressing his lips to her forehead. Abby smiled as she felt his tender kiss, hoping that this entire situation would work itself out and her two friends would once again be able to ... well, she wasn't exactly sure.

When she felt his lips move away, she looked up at him and asked the question she hated to ask. "So, what are you going to do now?"

Tony gazed over at the far wall. "That's a good question."

Sensing that he was thinking about what he was going to say before he continued, Abby nuzzled into his chest, enjoying the scent of his expensive cologne. Her ear covered his heart and she could hear it beating away inside his chest. She only wanted her friends to be happy, she had hoped that it would be together, but Abby was no fool. Sometimes the timing was wrong or the situation wouldn't allow for a relationship. With Tony and Ziva, Abby suspected that it had to do more with stubbornness on the surface, but deep down, there were issues that needed to be addressed before something could grow between her two friends.

Tony took deep breath before he spoke again. "I'm tired of getting hurt Abbs. After Wendy left me practically at the altar, I quit looking for long-term relationships. I played around ... and I liked it that way. When it got too serious, out the door I went. Until Director Shepherd sent me undercover with Jean. I didn't think I'd ever fall in love again but I did. And you know what a fiasco that was."

Abby gave Tony a reassuring pat on his chest, letting him know that she was there and that she was listening. "EJ was great, but she was just a distraction from the Ziva and Ray thing. I liked her a lot, but she just wasn't the right one, she wasn't ..."

"She wasn't Ziva." Abby finished for him. She felt him nod his head against her hair. Lifting her head to his shoulder, she gripped him a little tighter. "So you've loved her for a good while, huh?"

"Yeah, I think I have. But lately, I don't know what I feel."

"I know. Love can be a difficult thing to define."

Tony's brow furrowed as if he was in deep thought. "I wish someone would tell me what it really is."

Abby leaned back in his strong arms so she could look "I can."

"Really?"

"Really."

Tony leaned back so he could see her face. "Do tell."

Abby batted her eyelashes at him until she knew she had his undivided attention. "Listen carefully, ok?" He nodded and waited for her to speak. "This is the best definition of love that I have ever heard. It goes like this: Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."

When she finished, tears were streaming down Tony's cheeks and he choked on his words. "That ...that was beautiful Abbs."

"I always thought so too, but I can't take credit for it. A man named Paul wrote those words almost two thousand years ago."

"Pretty smart guy huh?"

"You could say so."

Abby stared into tony's eyes and watched as he played the words over and over n his mind. The tears slowed and he reached up and wiped them away with the back of his hand. She watched his mood shift, and a sad look crossed his handsome face. "I think I understand now what the problem is."

"What's that?"

"I love Ziva," and the words caught in his throat. "but ..."

Abby waited a moment, and when his mouth seemed frozen, she pushed. "But _what_?"

"I don't think Ziva loves me, at least, not the way I want her to ... and I don't think she ever will."

Abby tried to think of something to say to take away his doubts, but her mind couldn't come up with anything to refute his conclusion. Nothing Ziva had done in the past few months even hinted that maybe, just maybe, Tony's feelings would be returned. Instead, the Israeli had continually pushed Tony further away, smothering his feelings for her with the shield she used to protect her own heart.

Sighing to herself, Abby surrendered to Tony's words. "I'm sorry Tony, I'm so sorry."

Tony stood up tall, rolling his shoulders back, and Abby watched as the stalwart, confident Tony returned. He smiled at her and she saw that he had made a decision about what he was going to do next. "I need to get away for a while Abbs, please understand."

Abby answered by placing a soft kiss to his cheek. "Tony, I think you need to do what you think is best. So take your time, heal ... and then come back to us."

"Thanks Abbs. Again, you are the best. I'm heading down to see Ducky, let him know what's going on with Gibbs." He placed another quick kiss to her forehead and spun around on his heels and headed for the door to the hallway. Just before he reached it, he heard her call out to him.

"Hey Dinozzo."

"Yeah Scuito?"

"You owe me at least two Caf-Pows for that."

Smiling brightly, Tony turned and yelled over his shoulder, "You got it Abbs, and I owe you a lot more than that," and he disappeared from her sight.

Abby turned back to her computer consoles and again began to work on the data she was analyzing before her encounter with Tony. She had a beautiful smile on her face but tiny tears began to fall from her eyes, tears for what lay ahead for Gibbs, the team, and for two of her friends in particular.

* * *

Ducky waited patiently as his friend's tears fell to the legs of her jeans. He didn't really know what to say, so he just let her cry it out. It was hard to sit there and say nothing, but he thought that maybe, this was exactly what the young woman needed. A quiet place to let her emotions out, instead of bottling them up inside.

Ziva leaned forward in Ducky's chair, resting her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. She had just been sitting there, fresh tears running down her cheeks and she made no move to wipe them away. Ducky placed another kleenex on her thigh but she didn't seem to register his movement, she was too lost in her thoughts. Her mind was flipping through the past years and all the times that she and Tony had misstepped in this dance they were caught up in.

When she would have been open to him, he was tied up with Jean. When he was free, she was seeing Ray. Then there was Rifkin ... and EJ ... and the lawyer ... and the nurse. And now Adam. _Damn! That one was on me! _How many times had they been on the verge of having something together only to have it slip through their fingers, again and again.

And those words he spoke to her while Shmiel was waiting to fly back to Israel with her. Tony had even taken the time and made the effort to learn to say them in her native tongue. And she had thrown them away as if they hadn't meant the world to her. But they had. Those words had rung in her ears the entire flight, all the way home. Until a few days later, when a bit of wine and the closeness of a male friend had caused her to make a decision that she knew now she would regret for the rest of her life.

A choked sob caught Ducky's attention. "Ziva?"

"I ... I have to go Ducky. I need some fresh air."

"Are you sure my dear? I don't think you should be alone at a time like this."

"I have to figure out why I keep pushing people away, especially Tony." Ziva took a second to wipe at her eyes, then she continued. "Part of me wants the long-term relationship, I almost had it with Ray."

Ducky thought back to the time when Ziva and Ray were dating, she had seemed so happy at the prospect of something that lasted. He remembered how she had smiled and laughed easier and appeared more relaxed and carefree. Ray had put part of Ziva back together again and it had been a great time for Ziva. But it hadn't lasted, Ray broke her heart and after that, she seemed to fall apart all over again.

Since then, she had dated sporadically, nothing more serious than one or two dates then she broke it off. It looked as if she would not achieve happiness again, but then slowly, life began to return to her. She began to interact with the team more and her smile, which had been absent for far too long, reappeared. The reason obvious to everyone around her.

Tony.

Patiently and carefully, like he was handling the most fragile crystal, he had tenderly restored her faith in others and, more importantly, herself. He hadn't forced her to face her fears, he had just stood by patiently and waited for her to do it on her own. That was what she needed ... a friend, and Tony had stayed by her every step of the way. They had their issues for certain, but Tony had always been there to watch her back even when she made a few missteps.

Ducky waited for Ziva to move, but she seemed to have fallen back into her self again. Not wanting to lose her to pain and grief, he softly cleared his throat. When she looked up at him, he tried to give her his most charming smile.

"I think that you and Tony both have a lot to figure out. Unfortunately in partnerships and _relationships," _Ziva caught the inflection on the 'R' word, "one is always affected by the actions of the other. Look at it this way, when partners can completely trust that they know what the other is going to do in any situation, the partnership works like a well-oiled machine. But when one doesn't trust the other, the ..."

"The partnership breaks down ... falls apart." Ziva finished for him.

"Indeed."

With tears flowing down her cheeks, Ziva confessed without emotion. "Tony trusted me and I threw that trust away."

Ducky glanced down at the floor. "Why do you think you did that?"

Ziva closed her eyes and ran her hand through her dark hair. "I wish I knew, Duck. I really do."

Not satisfied with her deflection, Ducky pushed. "Sometimes, when someone doesn't know what the future holds, when they are afraid, they take steps to keep things the way they are ... keep up the 'status quo'. Do you think that, maybe, that's what you've done?"

the words seemed to cut her to her core and she actually gasped audibly. Sharper than she intended, she responded. "I ... I ... don't think that's the case, I think ..."

"Come on Ziva, why else would you feel the need to find comfort with another man? Why did you so easily forget what Tony told you?" Ducky was getting a little frustrated.

Ziva felt her anger begin to boil inside and she thought of lashing out, but when she looked into his eyes, her anger turned back into shame.

"What are you so afraid of Ziva?"

A long moment of silence followed. Ducky sat patiently, waiting for the woman to answer; Ziva's heart was in turmoil, part of her wanting the one thing she desired more than anything and the other part terrified that she might actually get it. When she answered, she said the only word that came to her mind.

"Tony."

Ducky felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. "You're afraid of Tony? What has he done to make you fear him?"

Knowing that her answer had confused the doctor, she tried to answer as best she could. "I'm afraid that it's all _real_."

"What's all real, Ziva?"

"What he feels for me ... I'm terrified that it's all real, that he really does care for me. More than partners, more than friends." She took a couple of short breaths to regain her mental footing before she slipped and fell into that dark abyss once more. "What if I let him in and it doesn't work out ... what if he breaks my heart ... what if I break his?"

"There were a lot of 'What ifs' in there. Don't you want to be happy?"

Ziva nodded her head. "Of course I do, I just don't think I'm meant to be. I've lost my entire family and most of my friends, and I'm tired of hurting. All the people I have loved are gone!" She was crying again, her anguish overcoming her once more.

"But you still have us, and we all love you Ziva, my dear. Can't you see that?"

Ziva chuckled through her tears. "All of you except for Tony ... I've killed that!"

"I don't think so. Over the years of your partnership, how many times has Tony forgiven you for something?"

Laughing softly to herself, she remembered all the times that Tony had let something slide, from little things to the times she had really hurt him. "Too many times to list."

"And there you have it. Tony will forgive you, of that, I am sure."

"But what if the 'something more' is gone, Duck?"

He looked at her with his penetrating eyes. "That, my dear is not a question for me."

Knowing who she would eventually need to ask that question, Ziva just nodded sadly. She just didn't know if she would be able to, not after seeing the hurt and betrayal in Tony's green eyes.

Ziva stood slowly, grabbing up the tissue on her leg and wiping at her face in a vain effort to dry up her tears. "I just need some time to think about things ... clear my head." She moved to walk past him but he was on his feet in a moment, walking beside her toward the door.

Just before the door slid open, Ducky softly grabbed her by the elbow and stopped her movement. When she turned and looked at him, he took a small breath. "Ziva, give him some time, he'll come around."

"How long Ducky? How long before we get to work this out?"

"That, I do not know. But I do know this." Ducky let his hand fall to hers where he gave a reassuring squeeze. "Many times in life, storms come. They rage against us, taking us places we never thought we would go and sometimes, never want to be. But in the end when we look back, all the hardships, the heartaches, we see that they are what made us who we are. And if we don't let them break us, when we come through the storms of life, we find we are stronger people than we were before."

Ziva listened to her friend's words and let them wash over her. She was glad Ducky had found her, his comforting presence felt like an old blanket wrapped around her. She pressed her lips to his cheek and whispered "Thank you" as she turned and walked out into the hallway.

Ducky stood there as the glass door hissed closed behind her, watching her move to the elevator. She wrapped her arms around herself and seemed to regain her strong composure as she pressed the 'up' button. Her shoulders rolled back and he saw the old strong Ziva return.

Ducky just hoped that she was going to be strong enough for what lay ahead. Gibbs was going to need all the help he could get and if the team fractured any more, well, that was something Ducky just wasn't ready to think about. He turned and walked over to his desk, noticing the files he was supposed to have delivered earlier. He reached for them, but stopped when he saw the wadded up tissues that littered his desk. He swept them into the waste basket as his heart again ached for the woman who had just left.

"Ah Ziva, hang in there ... hang in there."

* * *

Ziva waited impatiently for the elevator to arrive. She had to get out of there as quickly as she could, she needed space and some fresh air. If only she knew what she was going to do. Tony's angry words haunted her and she was at a loss as to what her next course of action should be.

These were the thoughts that were running through her mind when the chime sounded and the doors opened. She didn't bother to look up as she stepped inside the lift, her eyes still fixed on the floor. When they registered a pair of expensive Italian dress shoes, she looked up.

Right into the red-rimmed eyes of none other than Tony Dinozzo.

...

...

* * *

**Sorry for the cliff hanger guys ... but it just felt right to stop there.**

**Only one more chapter left. **

**What will happen? Don't ask me ... I'm just the author and even I have no idea.**

**Again ... thanks for all the reviews, inputs, ideas, etc. I appreciate them all even if I didn't get to respond.**

**Semper Fi**

**JS**


	5. Chapter 5

**So, here we are. **

**Thank you so much for all the reviews, the follows, and the favorites for this story ... I am humbled indeed that so many of you actually liked this story enough to respond. If I didn't answer your review, I do apologize and hope you know that it was greatly appreciated.**

**We are here at the end of this little chapter of the continuing saga that is Tony and Ziva. I had waited until the season finale before I finished writing this last part because I wanted to see if anything major happened. I wanted this story to sort of fit in with the show and maybe it still will ... maybe it won't. You guys will have to decide. **

**Again, I wrote this from my heart and mind, how I saw Tony reacting; if it doesn't fit the way you saw it ... then feel free to blame it all on me.**

**Thanks again for everything, you guys are the greatest. **

**And now, the conclusion of 'Alone'.**

* * *

**Always**

For a moment, Ziva stood in front of the open elevator door, her voice frozen in her throat and her feet cemented in place. Her eyes focused on Tony's and she saw that, yes, he had been crying and maybe talking to Abby about what had happened between them, and not just about Gibbs. Again, she felt the tug in her heart that maybe he was in better spirits now and that maybe, just maybe, all was not lost.

Tony's eyes betrayed nothing of the storm that was ragging inside of his heart and mind. He remained unmoving, his green eyes locked with Ziva's brown ones, but his heart was thumping madly in his chest. He knew she had been crying, she'd been crying when he left her in the elevator earlier, but these tears were fresh. She was coming from the morgue and Tony knew that Ducky was still there. _They must have talked_ he thought to himself. Not sure as to what state of mind she was in, he remained silent, a lump the size of Nebraska stuck in his throat.

As the two stood there, motionless, the elevator suddenly chimed and the door began to close. Neither moved an inch. Just as the door was about to cut off one from the other, two hands simultaneously sprang into the gap, one male, one female, causing the doors to open once again. The door opened, but neither moved, nor spoke. Silence, it seemed, was going to be their defence against what could be said at that moment.

Ziva let her eyes fall back to the floor as she took the initiative and stepped in to the lift. She took a position not close to Tony, but not too far away either, just inside an arm's reach. The chime sounded and the door closed again, this time it finished its course and the two were now again together in the one room where they could share just between themselves ... or not.

"Which floor?" Tony asked, his voice cold, devoid of any emotion.

Ziva had to swallow her anxiety before she spoke. "Parking level."

Tony pressed the lighted button for the parking deck, and they felt the floor move under their feet. Ziva noted that he hadn't asked if she was leaving or where she was going, something he had always pestered her about when she left unexpectedly. Tony wanted to ask but his mind and his mouth had suddenly become distant strangers, afraid to communicate.

They both felt the floor move beneath their feet as the elevator rose to the designated floor. Only four words had been shared in the last few seconds, but the two found themselves totally bewildered by the other. Ziva wanted to grab Tony and apologize, say she was sorry for everything; Tony was wrestling with the hurt and anger that still coursed through his heart. The tension in the small metal box began to grow to smothering levels as the man and woman struggled to put words to their feelings.

When Tony hadn't moved or said anything, Ziva began to feel what little hope she had, begin to fade away. She glanced up at the numbers over the door and knew that in just a matter of seconds, the elevator would stop, the door would open, and she would be at her destination. Would she just step out into the parking garage and walk away? Would he try to stop her? Could they fix this? Did they even want to?

Tony felt the elevator begin to slow its ascent as it neared the level where Ziva would get off and leave. His head was swimming with what to say to her or would he even be able to speak at all. His palms were sweaty and his knees felt as if they might give way at any moment.

The elevator stopped moving ... he had to do something ... now!

As the lift stopped, Ziva took a step forward anticipating the opening of the doors, but out of the corner of her eye, she saw Tony's hand shoot out and flip the 'Run' switch to 'Stop'. Her breath caught in her chest and she froze for a moment. What was he going to say? Or do? She felt her chest constrict and it was suddenly very hot in the small area they were in.

When Tony didn't immediately speak, Ziva slowly turned so she could face him. What she saw shocked her. Unshed tears were threatening to fall from his sad eyes and he looked like he had lost something very dear to him. She wanted to reach up and touch his cheek but her hands stayed frozen at her sides. Rolling her shoulders back in an effort to appear strong, she remained stoic, her face blank.

Tony reached up and rubbed his eyes, trying to get the stinging tears to stop. He took a deep breath and then slowly exhaled, hoping it would help him find the words he needed to say. It didn't.

"Ziva, I ... um ... well I'm ..." This wasn't going well.

Ziva was patient though, she wanted to give him the time he needed to gather his thoughts; so that, hopefully, the outcome of this conversation would be better than their last. She wondered what he would say. Would he forgive her for hurting him ... again? Could their partnership survive another mis-step in this awkward dance they continued to perform?

Realizing he was wasting time, Tony decided to just open his mouth and let the words fall where they may.

"Ziva, I've had a little time to cool off and I have something to say before I can't talk anymore."

She nodded in understanding and waited for the words to come.

"I don't want you to think that I hate you, I could never do that."

Ziva felt like she could breathe again and her heart pumped madly in her chest. The hope that was dead just moments before, blossomed inside her soul. She could see the torment etched on his face as he struggled to talk to her and her heart ached at the thought that Tony would ever have difficulty talking to her. She could blame Parsons all she wanted, but really, deep down, she knew who caused this ... her. If only she could be as honest with Tony as he was being with her.

Tony took another deep, shaky breath. "Earlier, I may have said some things that I didn't really mean. I'm still angry and hurt Ziva ... I won't lie to you about that, not now."

Again, she almost reached out to touch him, to show him that she understood why he was in pain. She didn't though, even when every part of her screamed for her to comfort him, her defense mechanisms were still in place, defending her heart from any more pain.

Tony appeared to calm down a little, his breathing returning to a more relaxed level. Unfortunately, his mind and heart were still in a whirlwind of pain and hurt.

"I talked to Abby for a little while and she made me see things for what they really are. I've changed my mind about something and I need to tell you what it is."

Ziva couldn't breathe anymore. _Maybe he's not going to split us up. Maybe he won't make me leave. _Hope flooded her as she held to the one thing that might get her through all that had happened. The look on his face revealed nothing, so she just waited for him to go on.

Tony cleared his throat and then he spoke just loud enough for her to hear. "I'm not going to ask Vance to transfer you off the team."

The smile that formed on Ziva's face was so big, it actually hurt but she couldn't stop it. _We can work this out. I can fix this now. If we stay together as partners, all is not lost! _Her hands went to her chest and clasped over her heart.

"Tony, thank you! I am so sorry, we can get through this ... if you give me some more time, I know that we can ... "

He raised his hand and cut her off. "I wasn't finished."

She wouldn't have reacted differently if he had actually reached out and slapped her. His voice was cold and absent of any emotion, crushing her heart under the weight of his words.

"I said I wasn't going to ask for _you_ to be transferred ... I'm still leaving."

Her mind went blank. Her stomach sank to her knees. Ziva didn't even know how she stayed standing. The look on her face asked 'why' without her needing to say the word.

"This is your family Ziva ... Gibbs, Ducky, Tim, Abbs, even Palmer. This is all the family you have left Ziva ... I won't take that away from you."

"What about you Tony ... why can't you stay with me?"

"Ziva ... I ... I ... I love you. I have loved you for a long time now." Again, he couldn't look at her as he spoke. "I hoped that if I waited long enough, was patient long enough, that you would eventually feel the same way. Recent events have proven to me that you never see me as anything but a friend, nothing more."

"Tony ..." She said it so softly he didn't seem to hear her. If he did, he just ignored it.

"I thought I could just be just your friend through all of this ... but I can't, I'm not that strong. I can't be this close to you and not want you all to myself. I can't hear you laugh and not love you even more. I can't work with you day in and day out and not want to take you in my arms and kiss you until you can't breathe. I can't be around you knowing that you will always choose to be with someone else instead of me."

Ziva finally reached out to touch him, but he snatched his arm away from her, as if she touched him, it would burn.

"I waited for you to come back from Israel because I missed everything about you. I felt like part of me was absent ... but when you came back, you were different, distant. I thought it was because of your father's death, so I gave you space, let you work it out in your own way. You didn't call or answer my text messages, but I still waited for you to come around. You came back to work and, still, you were really there."

Tony ran his hands through his hair in an effort to regain control. He failed miserably. He clenched his teeth as he remembered what had triggered this entire painful episode.

"Then that damned Parsons asked you about Adam ... I saw the look on your face. You didn't answer his question, not with words anyway. Right then I knew why you were acting so strange."

Tony spun back around so fast that Ziva took a step back in shock.

"Why didn't you call me?! Why didn't you ask me to go with you!?" He face was turning red now. His finger jabbed at her, stopping just inches from her. She could literally feel the heat of his anger emanating from his skin. She wanted to say it was all a mistake, a HUGE mistake, but she knew that it wouldn't take away the pain she had caused.

Tony gasped as his rage threatened to overwhelm him and he closed his eyes and counted ten to himself, desperate to regain control. Stepping back, he gave both of them some room to breath. He looked up at a spot behind her, unable to meet her gaze.

The next words caused Ziva's heart to break all over again. "I was packed you know? The night I came to see you off at the airport and I said to you ... well, I said ... those words to you, I had my bags in the trunk. I would have gone with you ... all you had to do was ask."

Ziva's tears were now falling freely down her face, her fingernails digging into her palms. _No, no, no ... please ... no!_

"But you didn't need ... or want me to go, and I was okay with that. I figured you'd call if you needed anything ... anything Ziva! I thought you needed to say goodbye to your father in your own way ... without me to worry about." Tony had to reach up and wipe away some of his own tears before he could continue.

"If I had know that you would need someone to be there with you ... I would have ... I ... " He couldn't finish. Both of them knew what needed to be said that couldn't be said. "Damn it Ziva! I stayed packed the entire week you were gone. I stayed off my phone, just in case. Why didn't you call me? I could have been there in just a few hours ... I thought that if you needed someone, that I would have been the first one you called." A long moment of silence fell and Ziva hoped he was done.

He wasn't.

"But I was wrong ... _again_. I've been wrong so many times about so many things when it comes to you that I just don't know anymore."

Ziva waited for more words but none came. When he didn't speak, she had to ask. "What don't you know, Tony?"

Without hesitating, he answered. "Why I keep doing this."

"Doing what?"

Anger rose up in his voice, even though he tried to stop it. "Letting you play with my feelings, Zee-va." He had always said her name sweetly, this time he had almost spit it out. "You take what you want from me, when you want it, and then you leave me to pick up the pieces and I can't do it anymore."

Silence filled the small room. Ziva's heart pounded so hard in her chest that she knew the entire building could hear it. _Say something you idiot! _Inside, she was screaming at herself. The words _"Tony, I love you too"_ died in her throat, her mind just wouldn't let go of the fear of being hurt, abandoned again. Even though the man she loved was crumbling right before her eyes, her resolve was steadfast.

Tears fell down his cheeks as Tony finally looked up into her beautiful brown eyes. "I love you Ziva, I really do, but I can't stay here and let you use that fact to hurt me any more." He leaned toward her and she thought he was going to wrap his arms around her and hug her, but he only flipped the 'Stop' switch to 'Run' and the elevator came back to life. The doors opened to the parking garage and even thought that had been her destination, Ziva made no move to leave and the doors closed again. Tony quickly pressed the number to take him up to the office.

Ziva stood transfixed in place, unable to move or even think. _Stop this ... stop him! _But she didn't move, didn't react. She just did what she always did. Protected herself. The ride to the fourth floor was made in silence, only soft sniffles could be heard from time to time.

His voice was soft and low ... sad and broken. "I had always prayed that one day you would find someone who you could love as much as they loved you." Tony paused for a moment, looking down at the floor. "I had hoped that it would have been me ... I guess I was wrong."

When the lift stopped, Tony moved quickly moved to the door even before it opened. The chime sounded and before Ziva even had time to act, he was moving through the door and he hadn't even looked back at her.

"Time to go save our boss." And he disappeared around the corner.

Tears filled her eyes once more. It surprised her, because she thought that she didn't have any left. If her heart stopped beating, she wouldn't have noticed because it no longer had anything to beat for. Her hands moved to her throat, her sobs choking her breath. The doors began to close, the only sounds were from a devastated woman who just repeatedly cried out, "Tony ... no Tony, please ...Tony ..."

* * *

**Epilogue**

There were two stacks of papers in front of Tony as he sat at his kitchen counter. It was Tuesday and he had to finish with the paper-work before tonight. He glanced at the clock above the sink, it was 6:35 p.m. and he had been delaying this for as long as possible. His hand ached slightly from all the forms he had been filling out for the majority of his afternoon, a cool glass of tea sitting off to his right, the condensation leaving small circles on the marble every time he took a drink.

One of the stacks was much larger than the other, containing all kinds of forms detailing personal information, a rather extensive resume, and references. The other stack really consisted of only one piece of paper. At the top was the official letterhead of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and at the bottom were blanks that were already filled out. In one box was the name and signature of Senior Field Agent Tobias C. Fornell, the one right next to it was labeled "Name of Applicant (Please Print): " and just below that, a box for the applicant's full signature.

Tony had been looking at that particular piece of paper for the better part of an hour now. His mind was still wrestling with what he had been so sure of earlier that day. Was this really what he wanted ... _needed_ ... to do?

Leave N.C.I.S.

Join the F.B.I.

Wow.

Tony had always thought that Fornell didn't like him or even think he was a good agent, but recent events had changed that perspective. It had only been a few days after he had placed his badge on Vance's desk right beside McGee's and Ziva's, that his phone had rung and Fornell had asked for Tony to think about a change. A change that would keep him in federal law enforcement, which he loved, and give him the space from ... well, from other, more personal matters. Tobias had secretly wanted to steal Tony away from Gibbs for years but had never had a really good opportunity to make an offer, and then Parsons had shown up and a lot of things had changed.

Fornell had immediately offered Tony a place and with his recommendation, Tony would be able to bypass most of the required training and evaluations to become an agent for the F.B.I. It took Tony a few days to think it over and come to the conclusion that this would probably be the best option; he'd get to do what he loved and still be in D.C. where he could keep in touch with McGee, Abby, Ducky, Gibbs, even Palmer ... and he could still keep an eye on _her_.

He hasn't seen her since that day the three of them had resigned to save their boss. It had already been four weeks and he wondered what she had been doing with herself since then. Even McGee hadn't heard much from her and the few times he had the nerve to call, her phone had gone straight to voice-mail. Their last conversation at N.C.I.S. played over and over in his mind as he hoped that what he had down had been the best course of action.

He loved her.

He knew that.

She knew that.

He also knew that she didn't feel the same way, and probably never would. _Friendship._ That's all she wanted in their partnership and relationship. The one thing she wanted and he couldn't give it to her. He wanted to stay with her, but in the end, he knew that the more he was with her, the more he would want her. The more he would want more from her, and that wasn't going to be fair to either one. He wouldn't be able to listen to her talk about a fun date or the guy she met while on vacation. Tony wanted her all for himself and she had made it clear, with her words and actions, that _that _simply wasn't going to happen.

At least, not with him.

Just thinking about her made his heart ache at the idea of being with her ... all of her ... of being able to give himself totally to someone, without holding anything back. Working beside her every day would be absolute torture; her voice, her laugh, ... God, _her smile._ That perfume she wore would linger in his mind for hours after she had departed for the day and it seemed as if he couldn't get enough of her. Ever.

He really wanted to be happy, but he also wanted the same for Ziva. That's how he had realized he loved her in the first place. Yes, he wanted her to be with him, but if that wasn't what it would take for her to be happy, he would give that to her. That's why he had stood by and watched her get close to marrying C.I.A. Ray, why he didn't step in when she was dating that lawyer fellow, and that was why he was letting her go now.

_When you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go. _

Tony always wanted to punch someone in the face when they said that, but now, he was beginning to understand how that could be true. His only wish for Ziva, was that she could finally find happiness. It would have been wonderful if she had chosen him ... but she hadn't, and Tony would have to live by that, even though it felt like his heart would stop beating every time her name passed his lips.

So, here he was, his future set out on the counter before him. He was to deliver the completed paperwork to Tobias at 10:00 a.m. sharp tomorrow morning, and he would be on his way on a new job, new friends and co-workers.

Thinking of new friends along with his old ones, he checked the time once more. McGee and Abby would be there soon for a pizza and movie night. Abby had begged for them to get together and she was bringing a copy of "Les Miserables' that she hadn't seen yet. Tony had agreed to watch the musical, even though it wasn't his favorite type of show. She had pleaded with her sad puppy-dog eyes until he had relented, and poor McGee was coming for moral support. Abby just couldn't wait to see and hear Hugh Jackman singing, she said he made her weak in the knees.

Tony smiled to himself, thankful for the long and winding road that brought him to where he was. He remembered the good times shared with the ones he loved ... and even the bad times were so bad after all. Mental pictures of friends and loved ones, some still around, others passed on, danced in his mind as unshed tears edged his eyes. After all he had been through, all the pain, all the joys ... he realized he wouldn't be who he was if not for all of it.

He picked up the pen and quickly scrawled out his signature across the appropriate box. Dropping the pen, he picked up the lone paper and slipped it into the folder that Fornell was expecting. Tony stood and carried the file toward his front door, he knew if he left it on the counter it would have pizza stains on it by the end of the evening.

Just as he placed the papers on the table by the door, his doorbell rang and there was a firm knocking from the other side. Expecting a pizza delivery person, Tony peeked through the peephole and smiled as he saw one large eye, belonging to one Abby Scuito, looking back at him. Laughing softly to himself, he unlatched the safety chain and stepped back as he opened the door.

"Ooffff"

"Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony!"

Gasping for air under the incredibly strong hug that Abby now had him in, Tony tried to speak. "Nice to see you too Abbs. Miss me much?"

She stepped back a little, releasing him, but then she slapped him across his shoulder. "Of course I've missed you! I haven't seen you since Saturday!"

McGee stepped up behind her and nodded to Tony. "Yeah, it's been three days Abby, I don't think that's long enough to go into 'Tony-withdrawal'."

Abby didn't have to say anything for her to convey that, after the month they've had, three days was far too long for her not to see her best friends. She moved into Tony's apartment, depositing a DVD case on the table and kicking her boots off her feet and against the wall. Leaving the guys by the door, she ran and leaped into the oversized couch in the livingroom. "Dibbs on the couch!"

Tony and McGee shared a silent look at the crazy forensic scientist currently burrowing into the pillows, before they chuckled together.

"Good to see you Tony."

Tony shot his friend a trade-marked but sincere smile. "Same here McGoogle, same here."

"Pizza on the way?"

"Should be here any minute. Hope you like anchovies."

The look on Tim's face was priceless. "Come on Tony, you know I can't stand those. I don't want to see or smell the ... wait, cute Tony, real cute."

"Hey, I haven't been able to pick on you for weeks ... I was having withdrawals of my own." Tony smiled again, trying to let his buddy know just how much times like this meant to him. Then they were both laughing and Tony quickly closed the door behind them. He picked up the DVD from the table and opened it as he walked over to the entertainment system.

"Did you hear back from Ziva?" Tony was actually surprised he had said her name without choking up.

Tim looked at his friend, sadness behind his eyes. "Yeah ... well, she said she couldn't make it, something else she had to do."

Tony's head dropped for a moment and Tim tried to come up with something that might ease the absence of the fourth member of their own posse. "I think some recruiters from the C.I.A. have been talking to her and maybe she's tied up with that." It even sounded lame when he said it. "You still talking to Fornell at the Bureau?"

Tony nodded. "Yeah, I finally signed the papers. I turn them in tomorrow morning."

Abby looked up from the couch, her eyes just a little sad at the changes going on around her. "I still can't believe all this is happening, I don't know how to ..."

Tony cut her off before she could get on one of her emotional rants. "Hey Abbs ... not tonight okay?"

Her expression displayed her feelings but she also knew that these things happened for a reason, and tonight was not the night to try and sort it all out.

"I'll still be in D.C.; McMystery is working on his next book; Gibbs is doing whatever Gibbs is doing ... and Ziva, well ... she's doing .. she's ... " and Tony started to lose track of his thoughts.

McGee placed his hand on his friend's shoulder. "It's okay Tony, it's okay."

Tony nodded as he was placing the disc into the player. He turned and tossed the remote to Abby who juggled it twice before it landed with a thump on the edge of the couch, batteries spilling on the floor.

"Oops."

"Smooth Abbs, real smooth." Tony actually started to grin.

Then he couldn't help but laugh at Abby as she flung herself to the floor, calling out to the batteries as the rolled further away from her grasp. McGee kneeled down and caught two just before they disappeared under the love-seat, but he bumped his head on the end table in his haste.

"Owww."

Laughter, hard and loud erupted from Tony before he even realized what he was doing. The anguish and pain of the past weeks, the past few moments, falling away from his heart at the antics of his friends. Oh, how he had needed this. He hurried over to where the quest-to-find-the-batteries was happening and the door bell rang.

Leaving Tim rubbing his forehead and Abby halfway under his couch, Tony strolled over to the door. As he leaned down to look through the peep, a small part of his heart hoped that maybe Ziva had changed her mind and was going to join them. What would he do or say if she was standing just on the other side of the door? Would he be able to do or say anything?

Relief and disappointment flooded Tony as he took in the lone pizza deliveryman standing in the hallway. Quickly opening the door and paying for the three steaming pizzas, he turned and headed toward his kitchen. He spread the boxes out and heard his companions clamoring up from the floor. They joined him just as he finished opening the last pizza box.

"Really Tony? I thought you were kidding about the anchovies!"

Abby was laughing herself to tears at the horror written on Tim's face.

"It's only half of one pizza McGrumble ... you'll live."

Suddenly the kitchen filled with a chorus of laughs, giggles, and other happy sounds as three friends shared one of those moments that defied description, but would not easily be forgotten.

Yes, the team was incomplete. Yes, there were changes ahead and things were not the same. But one thing was certain. Through it all, all the years of working so close together, bonds had been formed that nothing could sever.

Not distance, not different careers, not unrequited love.

Tony realized at that moment that even when life turns out differently than what you had wanted or planned, it was still life. It moved forward in ways that sometimes brought pain or joy, loss or happiness, but it was just life. He knew that whatever came his way, that he would get through and, in the end, he would be exactly where he was supposed to be.

He would always trust in that.

Always.

...

**THE END**

* * *

**Whew! Made it!**

**I wrote this last chapter after the season finale, so the events portrayed in the first half happened before the team split up. Tony didn't get the chance to leave the team, before the team resigned, but that was his intent. **

**I'm sorry if this was not the happy Tiva ending that you may have wanted, it was just the way I imagined it happening. The 'friend-who-wants-to-be-more-but-it-won't-happen' gambit is always a difficult path to tread and I hope I did justice to both Ziva and Tony in this story. If this isn't what you wanted, there are plenty of excellent stories on Fanfic with happier Tony/Ziva partnership/relationship endings. In fact, I read those too.**

**And the words **'The End'** above means only the ending of this part of the story. Who knows what will happen to these characters next? Only the writers at NCIS and the incredible writers here can answer that.**

**Thanks again for all the reviews, follows, and favs for "Alone". I have been touched and humbled by you all and thank you for letting me share this experience with you.**

**If you're a fan of NCIS: Los Angeles, check out my only other fanfic "Aunt Hetty" over there. I had to stop work on it to finish this one so that's what I'll be working on.**

**Until the next time.**

**Semper Fi**

**Always Faithful**

**JS**


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